Leaving Udaipur

I’m in the back of a car driving from Udaipur to Jodhpur, from the white city to the blue city. I’m sweating in my too-warm sweater which I don’t want to take off, out of laziness more than anything else. And I’m fed up: fed up with this country where almost nothing works as advertised, where everyone seems out to make a buck off you (everyone, that is, who has any reason to talk to a tourist), and where I am very, very, alone.

Solo traveling, newsflash, isn’t easy. But sometimes it’s easier than other times. In Argentina I met plenty of people, chatting up American tourists and going to Spanish-language meetups. New Zealand was harder: everyone seemed ten years younger than me, and with a totally different attitude towards their time and money. In short, they were young, British and free, where I was old-ish, American and very boring.

India is shaping up to be a lonely trip. I just spent a night at the gorgeous Taj Lake Palace, one of the world’s premier hotels (where they shot Octopussy). It was a relaxing break from a trip which is already fairly luxurious, compared to how I traveled ten years ago, staying in hostels and all. In India, I’ve mostly stayed in three-star hotels, which are still quite affordable by Western standards at something like $35 a night. Beats paying rent in New York, at least!

But the Taj Lake was a welcome break even from that. It’s not that the quality of the amenities was that much nicer — though the rooms are extremely beautiful — it’s just that the palace itself is incredibly gorgeous. Black marble, white marble, green marble, turquoise ponds, intricate carvings and glasswork. A king lived there!

But of course I hardly talked to anyone. Everyone at these fancy, and even less fancy hotels, is in their own bubble: on their own trip. It’s not like a hostel where they’re looking to meet strangers, at least not for any longer than a two minute conversation. So, you get plenty of solitude, plenty of time to be alone and reflect. Hey, that’s what I said I wanted out of this trip.

Well, be careful what you wish for. Reflection is bitter medicine, and growth, whatever that means, doesn’t happen overnight. Certainly it doesn’t happen while eating a mediocre but stomach-safe meal at one of the world’s fanciest hotels.

And growth towards what? I say I want to feel more self-sufficient, more able to feel good about myself when I’m alone. More able to provide for myself the kind of support and approval I’ve long sought from others. I do think that’s a worthy goal. It’s also one that isn’t very fun, at least not right now.

That’s what I think is missing on this trip so far: fun. It’s interesting. It’s relaxing at times. But it’s lonely. That’s my doing, and on me to change, should I wish it.

Here I am taking my sweater off, and feeling a little better already.